Maintaining a household for a family of 4 (or more) is hard work! It’s endless, constant, menial, laborious and non-intellectual–and the worst part? It’s all invisible work. Nobody really knows how much physical labor you’re doing as a mother. There’s no hidden account keeping track of all thoes hours BOTH of your hands were tied up, holding children and putting various items away.
And…if you dare to say anything regarding the amount of drudgery, and brain-shrinking, incessant clean-up, you immediately are castigated for “complaining” and “you know what you were getting into….maybe you should have thought twice before having children”.
Yes, yes. This is all true--except the part about “knowing what you were getting into before having children.”
Who knew that you actually never get a break unless you’re fortunate enough to have an occasional babysitter, grandparent, older helpful children, daycare or nanny nearby?!
But society needs future tax payers and we need people to raise them. So mothers are still a very important part of this process. We’re not outsourcing our childcare and housework to mother-nanny robots yet.
There are pedometers, there are apps out there for “daily steps walked” and there are apps that keep track of your health. But what about an app for all the moms who want something to show for all of their constant, childcare and clean-up around the clock with no breaks?
Someone needs to invent a way of calculating the precise amounts of weekly time spent on childcare and housework. Mothers need to have a way of recording and proving all of the time spent trying to prepare meals and “feeding” unwilling-to-eat-a-bite toddlers.
We need to know how much laundry our hands have spent folding and putting away as we dealt with a screaming baby and toddler constantly obstructing our path to the closet.
We need to know how much time we’re spending vacuuming floors and wiping off counters and faces and hands and re-puting dirty dishes into the dishwasher and unloading clean dishes and picking things up every second of our waking hour.
We need to have a documented account of all the time spent cleaning the front and back porches, weeding the flower beds, doing diapers on two children and removing all the garbages and diaper pails and scrubbing the bathroom shower and tubs and toilets.
And don’t even get me started on every single grocery shop for our household–ALWAYS–with 2 children in the cart. And bringing every single heavy grocery bag in every single time and putting ALL groceries away EVERY SINGLE TIME. Grocery Shopping is literally a 3 hour ordeal every time– and we’re talking 2-3 times each week.
We need to know how little time we spent doing any activities we enjoyed throughout the month– compared to others.
I think that a handy phone app that somehow tallied up all of our invisible work done by mothers each day–all day, ALL NIGHT in my case (with an 8th month old who wakes up every hour and half throughout the night, no kidding) –all the work that kept us from scribbling a half-ass blog post in 3-4, weeks would do some justice.
We’ve all heard it before, “Good writers write frequently, they practice and sharpen their writing skills by writing 500–sometimes 1000-1,500 words each day”. Practice makes perfect.
Stephen King makes 40 million dollars a year for his wordsmithing, and guess what? He writes 1000-2000 words every single day. He’s been doing this for decades, so if anyone’s getting practice writing, he certainly is! Is it any wonder that the people who succeed are getting practice daily?
Nothing comes for free. Not even talent– because it must be continually refined and updated and this takes time of course, precious time that you could be spending elsewhere. You’re going to have to get good at trying… attempting to write and doing it regularly. And you’re going to have to get good at being brave.
Now, here’s an idea, how about using your personal (or public) blog space to practice your own writing? You certainly don’t have to scribe your inner-most thoughts every single day or post anything too controversial that might turn you into a public pariah, but you can find something to blather about. I know you can.
If you haven’t noticed, this is exactly what I do here on this blog! I’ve committed myself to once-a-week blogging (which is writing, right?). My ultimate goal for this blog is posting 3 times each week. Do you have any long-term goals for your blog?
There are these random thoughts that come to me while I’m unloading the dishwasher. Sometimes they come while lying in bed just before sleep impales my brain. Perhaps a stranger makes a crass remark in a parking lot. More often than not, it is movement–physical movement–that triggers a cascade of thoughts. As writers, we all need a cascade of thoughts. We need a supply of input in order to have ANY output. Ironically, now that I have two children, I’m moving so much more and my thoughts are swirling but I have less time to write. These thoughts are the jewels that need to be mined.
In my mind I can think of the two most important things for bloggers:
HAVING CONTENT–you NEED something to write about, to babble about that has the potential to draw a reader or arouse curiosity.
People are unable to blog because of the 2 reasons I listed above. I promise. That’s it!
The content part is the biggie. There are far too many people out there who are worried to write because they HAVE FEARS ABOUT THEIR CONTENT. They worry about how they are perceived. They worry that:
A. they look like they complain too much.
B. they look like they’re bragging/being a show-off
C. they’re making too many (public) errors in their writing.
D. they’re writing is too inane.
E. they’ll leave some indelible mark on the internet so that people can, at some point in the distant future, point to what they wrote and say, :”hahaha, you wrote that piece of crap. You suck”.
F. People will think they’re mentally unstable
How about, who cares? None of these reasons are legitimate reasons for the passionate writer/thinker/creator. In fact, all of the above are great avenues for writing from time to time. Eventually you’ll find other topics to explore, but generating content is definitely going to be the thing you struggle with, so don’t let any of the thoughts above halt your progress if you happen to go into such territory.
Now how about a link with advice from an experienced writer to those of us beginners? Here you go:
My husband said we could come with him on his trip. He had a week-long educational conference in Los Angeles, a city I had never been to before. The hotel was already booked and his flight paid for long in advance.
“Are you sure? Don’t you want a reprieve from screaming children who interrupt your sleep? We would all be sleeping in the same hotel room after all. Why don’t you just go alone this time?”
“Why don’t you guys come? The hotel is going to be the same price whether you all come or I go alone. It would only cost me a couple extra hundred bucks for your plane tickets. The baby could sit on your lap.”
Iweighed the pros and cons. I knew how much work it would be to pack for both myself and the children. But I’ve done it multiple times before, right? I knew that lugging all the extra baby stuff around– car seats, car seat bases, a double stroller, baby carriers, diapers, bottles, formula, baby cereal, bibs and cloths and tons of extra baby outfits would be overwhelming. Of course, this doesn’t include all the contraptions I would bring for myself.
Eating out for all 3 meals (even if only “cheap” fast food) would add up fast. On the plus side, we would get room service every day. The children and I could explore downtown in the double stroller and experience the city-life, albeit temporarily. Meals would be no- fuss, no preparation or clean up–just throw away the packaging and wipe off the kids’ hands and faces. Finito.
“Oh, all right. If you insist. We would love to come.”
On my “list of minuses” I didn’t factor in the flight. What could possibly go wrong on a short two-hour flight with two tots?
My husband and daughter sat next to each other on one row and I clutched onto our 6 month old across the asile. We sat next to an over-sized lady who was spilling over into our space.
Unfortunately for her, this meant my son would be thrusting his little feet into her fleshy sides throughout the flight. She didn’t appear to be the child-loving type either– as she squeezed herself against the window, hoping to merge into the the airplane wall and disappear from existence.
This doesn’t even begin to describe the misery my son inflicted upon this poor woman. Picture, if you will, an intensely high-pitched, screaming intermingled with an annoying whine, that lasts for almost 1 hour straight. It wasn’t just our airplane neighbor who experienced the cacophony of the flight. My baby’s screaming was enough to inspire the agitation of everyone on board.
Even the flight attendant tried energetically to distract the baby–offering him crackly packages of pretzels or crinkly plastic cups to playwith. “Won’t he take one?” She pleaded, as he threw the items onto the center aisle.
The baby refused to breastfeed. No matter how many times I tried, my efforts were met with even louder squeals as he pulled away. He’s not a pacifier baby either. My daughter was the same way.
On the other side of the airplane aisle, another battle was ensuing. My 2 year old was furiously trying to unbuckle her seat belt and jettison herself out of the seat. She was vigorously kicking her legs on the back of the seat in front of her. I’m sure a mild amusement to the passenger seated here. *Sarcasm*
My tot was requesting that the overhead light be turned on, then off. On, then off. She wanted the window shutter open, then closed, open, then closed. Repeat 693 times. My poor husband.
Once our flight from purgatory landed, we piled the taxi high with suitcases and baby equipment. Thankfully paradise was waiting for us.
We got to stay in the luxurious Biltmore Millennium Hotel in downtown LA among all the skyscrapers. This is a gorgeous hotel that is infused with art deco architecture. Shiny marble floors greet your feet. Bell Hops jump out of no where to grab your belongings and make your dreams come true.
There are towering ceilings in the lobby and hallway that lure the eyes towards paintings and sculpturesque adornments that flaunt every surface. For a fraction of a second, you feel like you’re in a European cathedral.
The next day, I took the kids outside our hotel for a spin in the stroller–something I would do every single day, all-day, until the day we left.
One of the first things you notice about downtown LA–besides the exquisitely beautiful buildings, palm trees and perfect weather–are the bums. Demographics are ALWAYS the first thing I notice anywhere I go.
And you guessed it, I noticed right away that these homeless individuals were disproportionately MALE.
Throughout millennia, men have been more likely than women to fight in battles; many becoming wounded veterans. Men have been the ones to work in some of the most physically unbearable jobs like building cathedrals or castles with heir bare hands until old age, and then dying with little more than a legacy of brutal, laborious hardship (at least in Europe, that is). If you haven’t noticed, the male gender is ALSO more likely to be in prison or homeless– at least compared to their female cohort.
Does this reflect some sort of over-arching social inequality for males in modern society? Homelessness occurs for a variety of reasons of course–criminal history, physical disability, poverty, mental illness, a history of laziness or bad luck–and let’s not forget one of the biggest reasons–ADDICTION–but the gender issue is clear. I SAW MANY MORE HOMELESS MALES THAN FEMALES ON THE STREETS. Does mental illness disproportionately affect males? Many questions and thoughts like these were assaulting my consciousness.
I wanted to check out Skid Row and find out if my male-to-female ratio suspicions regarding homelessness were accurate. I pushed the double stroller in every direction within a 3 mile radius all over Los Angeles this past week and became familiar with the names of every street, but we never made it past Main Street (the tough area, let’s just say).
One evening, my husband was out for a conference related dinner, I strapped the kids in the double stroller for a night ride. We explored more territory and came across an incredible bookstore called, “The Last Bookstore“–I highly recommend taking a peek at this charming spot if you’re in the area. It’s quaint and stuffed with splendid books–both new and old. The cashier countertop is propped up by hundreds of old books. I even purchased a couple of books for the kids and came out with one for myself called, “The Perfect Nanny”, an international bestseller.
We found another amazing art deco building one day. Check out the stunning architecture and colors here:
I also took the kids to the LA public library. These were the murals on the walls inside the library:
…and the library courtyard garden was a delightful space for honing those Zen moments of contemplation.
Of course, we couldn’t leave without an arm load of goodies from the library bookstore.
We also spent an overcast day at the beach in Santa Monica.
And I made sure to take the kids to any park I could find in downtown LA anytime we encountered one.
Finally, on one of our walking excursions we found this neat HUGE antique shop, “Olde Good Things“. I regret not buying the cool antique globe I found.
We also went to Hollywood where we walked along the famous path of stars and Universal Studios too. What fun! I just LOVED the Simpson’s ride. Los Angeles was much better than I had expected it to be.
One day I pushed the double stroller into the LAFashion District where there are material and fabric shops galore.
Pushing the kids around in the double stroller was entertainment for everyone. People stared in partial disbelief combined with surprise. Everywhere we went people were EXTREMELY KIND to us and made whatever necessary accommodations for the children.
It’s difficult, I know. Maintaining general order in as many areas as you could attempt was that one thing keeping you sane, giving you some sense of comfort and control. You didn’t realize the sense of relief you derived from an organized, uncluttered, esthetically pleasing environment. You are a type A, an ambitious, non-time waster. You accomplish things and make plans. You’re not one of these people who allows messes to build-up. You don’t follow the crowd but chart your own course through life.
Alas, no more. Messes are strewn throughout every corner of your home. Whenever you make a laborious, time-consuming initiative to straighten one space, you’re being taken down in another– often 2-3 steps back. Your tot is creating havoc in every possible dimension with the help of a pair of gooey hands.
Meanwhile, you get to enjoy the non-stop screaming chorus put forth by your 6 month old. You’re frantically trying to remove objects that could trip anyone. You can barely think.
You’re not embarking on any kind of major “spring cleaning” adventure. You’re only trying to make your surroundings safe and prevent an ER visit. That’s it. If you had any spare moments you would be doing the have-to’s: diaper changing 2 kids, meal preparation, folding laundry, taking out all the garbages, vacuuming the entire house, filing the baby’s (longish) fingernails, taking a shower, …even these activities would provide a glimmer of hope that you’re succeeding at something.
Tony Robbin’s aptly said, “Happiness is Progress”. But it’s so hard…because you’re not getting this feeling of progress. Ever. And to make matters worse, you’re a perfectionist so this is kind of your M.O. You live for the feeling of progress. Here is a picture of our mantel: This is how I think of perfection…or, my-kind of perfection, at least. Ahhh, this is what I like.
And this is my kind of imperfection–our house when we first moved in. Stuff everywhere, in disarray. And, to be honest, there are many days where it looks like this ALL OVER AGAIN. This is what I don’t like. My cortisol levels
I often like to joke, “How does one torture a modern, western woman?” ANSWER: You prevent her from accomplishing anything. No career for you, young lady. We will just give you some money “to get by on” and you can clean up all these messes over and over again and you won’t have to learn anything new. Bonus, we’ll bring you fast food and prevent you from exercising.” NOW THIS IS TORMENT.
Joking aside, How can I ever get away from this incessant, mind-overtaking need to be a perfectionist…to get things done and done perfectly? I honestly don’t know. I’m trying different strategies right now. .. everyday. What to do…what not to do.
I guess what I’ve learned aboutmyself is that I do many things for my own psychological comfort– not because they are that necessary. I want to learn as much as a I can because I want to have the skills and education to fall back on if I were to need them. We all are lucky and unlucky at different points in our lives. It’s easy to assume that you’ll always be lucky or that you’ll always be unlucky. You’ll probably cross back and forth on that road a few times in life.
I’ve recently decided to turn down my perfectionism a few notches. That is, I pick one (maybe two) areas where I allow myself to be a perfectionist. It’s important for us perfectionist-types to have at least 1 area where we can still manage our perfectionism–otherwise, things seem so chaotic to our brains that we can’t even think. For me it’s floors. I hate dirty floors. So I let myself vacuum frequently; every other day for sure…sometimes every day. The other area that I’m committing myself to (besides occasionally taking care of the children) is exercise.
So that’s it. I had to set some limits. I give myself 2 areas to be a perfectionist and try to let the rest go until I have more time in my life. Once I get more time, you can bet that I’ll be crazy.
Why is blogging regularly so difficult? It’s probably because many of us who are attracted to this hobby happen to be perfectionists in the first place.
We also tend to be a bit ostentatious at times– as we like to show off our stuff, thoughts, writing etc.. (What person would venture into such arena if they didn’t have a smigeon of this trait?). Your writings, expressions and pictures are going up public– for anyone to see– and you know that.Face it. You’re a bit of a show- off.
There’s nothing wrong with any of this. You need to be a bit showy to make this work. Embrace the “braggy” side of your blogging personality. This will help you in the long-run because without content, you just have a user name and password– and an empty blog.
It’s the “perfectionist” side of your personality that will be holding you back. You’ll want to express yourself but come to realize that’s it’s a bit weird, the ending is rough, your point wasn’t made, and the esthetics of your post are off-putting. That’s okay. You can’t please everyone. And apparently, not even yourself. So let go of the perfection-tendency and start writing and posting frequently.
We’ve all heard that it’s “quality content” that sets you apart and makes you stand out in Google’s search ranking. This is true. The point is to have something that is interesting enough so that people come back or view other posts on your blog. You’ve snagged someone then and Google seems to know. This is what “quality content” means.
Keep writing and pressing forward but most importantly, keep thinking. After all, it’s from these random thoughts that sprout throughout our days that provide the fodder for our blog posts.
There are lots of people in the world who clearly care about the environment based on how they vote and who they would like to tax on the planet. But what if you aren’t one of those people? What if you actually hate the globe and don’t care about the climate?
Voting is one thing…but what about actually taking action—doing something about your “proposed cause”? Anyone can pat themselves on the back and pretend to be “pro-environment” or “anti-environment—because of which political party they vote for–but what actions are you taking in your day-to-day life to prove that you actually care, one way or another?
As climate scientists make us think, it’s the little things that add up. “It’s just a fraction of a degree that is needed to increase global temperatures and change the delicate balance in nature”—so what small things are you doing, on a daily basis, to help decrease or increase global warming?
For those of you who actually “hate the climate” and “don’t believe in climate change”–BASED ON YOUR EVERYDAY ACTIONS–NOT ON HOW YOU VOTE….. here are some every day, creative strategies to help destroy the climate and ruin the environment, by Yours Truly.
Eat mostly packaged/boxed and processed food items instead of fruits and vegetables with biodegradable peelings. You want to have a lot of non-biodegradable plastic trash to be throwing out in your garbage can or recycle bin.
Never walk anywhere or use public transportation, insist on driving or getting using a cab, even if only 6 blocks down the road.
While drinking a Big Gulp, drive around your local Walmart looking for the parking space that is close to the entrance. Don’t give up. If you have to circle the lot a few dozen times or idle your car for 10 minutes as you wait for someone to leave, give yourself a pat on the back. You don’t want to be one of those people who finds the first parking space in the back of the lot and immediately turns off your car engine. You’ll be forced to walk a few extra feet.
Refuse to carpool
Go to a fast-food restaurant at least once a week—smile to yourself as you throw all of the plastic trash and wrappings into the rubbish bin. Give yourself bonus points if your meal had meat in it.
Order delivery at least once a month. Smile as you consider how much gas is being used to ferry your little plastic take-out-bag and Styrofoam container from the restaurant to your house and then back again. Throw away half of the food you ordered because “You were full” and too lazy to put it back in the fridge.
Never eat left-overs from your fridge or anything that you have “on hand, in your house”. Why do this when you can simply order something and have someone else use a bunch of gas and plastic/garbage package to get it to you?
Don’t grow any plants or vegetables. Don’t eat plants. Eat lots of meat because animals create more carbon emissions that plants do.
When grocery shopping do not bring your own bags. Use plastic bags from the store which you will throw away and “recycle” when done.
Constantly buy new things: new clothing, new devices, new toys for the kids: avoid shopping at any “used clothing store” or “thrift store”. You only want things that have been newly created in China or other far-off regions and then recently shipped to America.
Don’t lose weight. Instead, set your air conditioning down as low as possible to make up for your constant “overheating”.
Go through fast food drive-thrus weekly. These offer an added bang for your buck. You’ll be emitting lots of carbon from burning your gasoline while you wait for your food to be given to you in lots of throw-away packaging. Smile to yourself as you see how many people are waiting in the long fast-food drive through lane, doing the same thing as you are. Together you’re making a difference!!
Don’t take care of your possessions. After all, the sooner you trash them and/or break them, the sooner you can buy new ones. Reassure yourself that “they were cheap anyways, so why bother taking care of them?”
Keep your house so messy that you always lose your things and have to “buy new ones”. Remember, that’s more trips to and from the store in your car!