Here I am, a heterosexual female in the midst of my 40’s. I don’t have a single deep connection with another female. I know, I should have a handful of female friends by now…friendships that I can truly count on for venting or sharing my truest thoughts without retaliation or friendship loss. Friendships where I feel both heard and accepted even with someone who wholly disagrees with me. Friends who I can see regularly and debate over a coffee or an alcoholic beverage. I’ve never done this before, but it sounds fun.

Back when the website “Meet-Up” first emerged, I started a philosophy group. I wanted it to be in a “Socrates Cafe” style. We would meet at coffee shops, Panera Bread and other venues and discuss philosophical ideas. But guess what? I DIDN”T HAVE A SINGLE FEMALE ATTEND. NOT ONCE.

I’ve tried two strategies for gaining female friends:

1. Be completely open, frank and honest about my views of various subject matter, not all at once but in a punctuated, timely fashion as the friendship gains ground. And, when I say “share my views” I’m not in any way suggesting my judgment or thoughts about them or how they live. I specifically mean, my thoughts about philosophy, religion, AI, AGI, economics, the paranormal, politics or general ideas about life.

2. Be superficial, pleasant and continue on with the banal niceties and platitudes that are typically exchanged in almost any conversation. Don’t bring up tough ambiguous subjects. Don’t bring up anything that could be remotely thought of as “controversial”. Don’t ever offer an opposing viewpoint. Just go with the flow. Talk less. Respond in an automated, predictable format.

I’ve found that with females, neither strategy has brought me any real, lasting relationships. For the first strategy, the more opinionated females will quickly become my friend…but once they know more about my thinking, they often decide to stop connecting me. They may briefly acknowledge my existence, but the second they find out some aspect of my philosophy, politics or life-experience that they disagree with, they IMMEDIATELY START COOLING OFF TOWARDS ME. They may outright reject me, or they’ll slowly pivot away until my connection with them has dissolved.

With the second strategy, I don’t find myself plunging into anything intriguing or mind-grappling. I find it both a waste of words and time. I’d rather be listening to Sam Harris and learning about mindfulness or Diary of A CEO and learning about health topics. I’d rather take a peek at simulation theory by Donald Hoffman. Instead, exchanges with my female acquaintances are almost always a trip down “Let’s say almost exactly the same thing we said yesterday”.

What I’m finally coming to realize is that the best strategy when it comes to FEMALE FRIENDSHIPS is to have none. Sure, I have acquaintances and connections, but anymore I don’t dare state what I’m actually thinking or more nuanced thoughts about any given topic. Furthermore, I’m learning that I don’t really need these kinds of experiences. They make me swell up with unnecessary anxiety after they are over. And that’s exactly it–these connections create so much unnecessary anxiety after they are over.

Often times I blame it on myself; okay I’m just weird or awkward or unsophisticated. I allow these people to dictate how I think about myself and ultimately how I feel. I’m becoming more assertive with myself and learning that no, It’s not me. I’m nice and kind. I listen to other people’s views, and I ASK THEM QUESTIONS. I don’t simply dominate with my own topics. I ask plenty of questions and show interest in others. But asking lots of questions and showing interest in the other person DOESN’T SEEM TO WORK EITHER. It just doesn’t. If people have decided at the outset that they don’t like you, they won’t be swayed by your interest in them.

What a bland day to day life. But let’s be honest, human beings that really do speak their minds are punished or quietly ignored. It’s better to live having your own mind and not worry about amassing a bunch of superficial friendships where you’re not learning anything…or deeper friendships that instigate feelings of anxiety or a constant fear about losing them.

If you do happen to have large chunks of your thinking/ideas that resonate with a large portion of the population, you’ll have no trouble making friends. You’ll find it much easier to gain friendships because people usually base their friendships on common-themes and commonalities and like-mindedness.

I’m realizing that as much as I want connections and to be part of the group/community because I might need the community to help me someday, it’s a bad way to think about it. I fear that I may become dependent on others and so I better stop speaking so freely or become ostracized. Again, this is not a good or productive way to think. Always thinking about the larger community and… how will they treat me if I ever do need their help?

It’s not worth my time to keep reaching out and trying to befriend females who are either extremely repetitive or are so attached to their religious, political or philosophical views that nobody else can offer a differing opinion without them UNFRIENDING ME.

I feel free and I’m truly done with the game of trying to make deep and lasting female friends. My husband will do just fine. And he’s the best conversationalist I have discovered so far.